Atobe's Advice Booth
by SugarTensai
Summary: 7 word challenge from BunniesRcute. Atobe runs an advice booth for no reason at all, where he aims to help by being the amazing and majestical person he is.


**A/N:** 7 WORD CHALLENGE from BunniesRcute. Requested on 12. 26.14. Note that I am terribly ashamed of the nearly three week period it had taken me to post. T-T

**Characters:** Ryoma, Atobe, Fuji, Sanada  
**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort and Humor (...I...I put trace amounts of parody type hurt in Ryoma's part...T-T...I'm...I'm ashamed.)**Words:**Tango,Forest,Grades,Pencils,Computer,Bed,Irises

I know you put hurt/comfort...It messed up my whole routine. But in all seriousness, I loved this challenge that was actually a challenge. ;D

* * *

Atobe's booth aimed to be purple, sparkly, and attractive, as noted of the purple and sparkly balloons with Atobe's face plastered on.

He had designed them himself, as well as the life-sized figure of the great ore-sama that stood beside the booth.

He expected great business.

* * *

It was not what he was expecting.

He did a quick scan of his surroundings to ensure he was not being recorded or filmed, or anything else, for that matter.

And then, slowly, Atobe turned to Ryoma, who stood there, the beginnings of a very, very small tear forming in the corners of his eye-

Atobe stared, wide-eyed, as _The _Echizen Ryoma burst into tears right before his eyes.

Atobe swallowed hard.

_I will not feel sympathy for the enemy-I will not feel sympathy for the enemy-_

He chanted loudly in his head.

Echizen managed the barest sniffle.

Atobe let out an internal scream of defeat as his willpower crumbled into itty, bitty, pieces.

"Um." Atobe began. "How can I help you?"

The tear ducts flowing, Ryoma said, "She doesn't love me anymore."

Atobe let out a dramatic gasp, flying backwards as little ruptures burst in his brain.

Atobe hadn't expected so much _stress _on his part.

Especially the twat to get a girlfriend before himself-!

_The blasphemy!_

"I want to get her back-" Ryoma continued, sniffling, "and I don't know how. I even looked on the computer."

Well, Atobe _had _put 'Relationship Advice' on the purple and sparkly sign hanging on the booth.

And he was not, if a little, curious about this.

Not that he was jealous or whatever.

Atobe patted Ryoma on the head. "The great and majestical ore-sama shall help."

Ryoma-almost-smiled at him. He wiped a bit at his eyes.

"What has you relationship been with her before this incident?" Atobe paused. "To, you know, get more understanding of this so I can offer better advice, and," He continued, "I'm totally not jealous or anything, psh."

He then applauded himself for being subtle.

Ryoma's misty eyes drifted away, as if looking back on memories.

"It started two years ago-"

Atobe silently shrieked.

"She was shy a first, and I had a hard time approaching her...but now we're very close-"

Atobe listened intently, discreetly taking notes.

"-Sometimes she would catch the tennis balls when I play-"

Atobe frowned. _What kind of uncivilized behavior was this?!_

"At night, I let her sit in my lap-"

Atobe blinked a few times before his mind broke down.

"Hold on, "Atobe interrupted. "I didn't quite catch that."

Ryoma began again, "At night, I let her sit in my lap-"

_Dammit, his ears were malfunctioning again, _Atobe thought as he cut in again:

"Say that again?"

"At night, I let her si-"

"WAIT." Atobe said loudly. "How far have you taken your relationship?"

Ryoma looked very sad. "What do you mean?"

Atobe coughed. "Like, you know."

"What?"

Atobe mentally bashed himself. Ore-sama shouldn't be so uncoordinated in this type of talk!

"A KISS." He whispered loudly.

"Well..." Ryoma trailed off. "I kiss her every night in bed..."

Atobe nodded slowly as if his brain hadn't exploded inside his skull at that very moment.

"I see. Repeat that?"

Ryoma frowned at Atobe in a way that said _why-aren't-you-following-these-perfectly-normal-sentences?_

"I kiss her every night in bed."

Atobe swore he could _feel _his brain cells shrivel up.

"Ah, right." He nodded once more. "Now, then, do you want revenge on her?"

The sniffles were back. "No...Just help me get her back. Please."

Well, you don't get to hear the brat say _that _particular word often, Atobe had to admit.

"Of course. Has she been seen with someone else?"

"Someone..." Ryoma was confused, but then, "Oh...it's my teammate Kaidou."

He looked forlornly at the ground. "That complicates things."

Atobe was baffled. That boy was, frankly, creepy. But if the brat loved her so...

"I can only say, "Atobe began, relying on his three years worth of fan girl wooing experience, "be confident. Show off your skills, extra points if you can do the Tango." Atobe looked Ryoma in the eye. "Put on purple blouses. Occasionally flip your hair." He put his hand on the boy's shoulder.

And as a bonus tip, call yourself ore-sama and _always, always, _wear your shirt a few button's open."

Ryoma wiped away his tears,

"I never thought I'd say this, but-thank you."

Atobe put on his usual smirk. "My advice is gold. Follow it and achieve new heights." He looked smug. "And just wondering...what does she look like?"

Ryoma's eyes glimmered slightly. "Her name is Karupin, she's incredibly cute, and the most elegant when she walks."He stooped down.

"About this tall, "He explained as his hand lowered to a height just slightly above his ankle.

Atobe stared at the hand, just a couple of inches off the ground.

"I'm leaving."Ryoma stood up. "You're not half bad-" He smiled slightly at Atobe. "Monkey king."

Even as Ryoma sauntered off, Atobe still stared at the one spot where Ryoma's hand was.

.

.

.

_I think I'm missing something here._

* * *

While still pondering why Ryoma's girlfriend was a mere ten inches tall, Atobe was suddenly seeing a large hand slap on the table in front of him.

Slightly angered that a peasant do such a disrespectful move to the almighty ore-sama, he looked up, ready to give a full on, ore-sama glare.

Sanada.

A living rock with a talent for facial muscle stillness that rivaled Tezuka's.

Although upon closer inspection-

Sanada's facial muscles were tightened ever so slightly-

Possibly, possibly, his expression of worry-

Atobe was particularly pleased at his prowess in the inspecting of Sanada's face.

"Yes?" Atobe asked to a possibly worried Sanada.

"You are giving out advice?"

"Relationship, school, and all other of your personal dilemmas!" Atobe's advertised in reply. "Why? Do you seek new heights like my last visitor?"

Sanada glanced around quickly before leaning toward Atobe in a secretive manner.

"Yukimura."

"Yukimura?"

"His birthday is coming up."

"Ah." Atobe realized, "Are you deciding on a gift?"

Sanada grunt-nodded.

"Describe him a bit." Atobe said, chin resting on his palm.

The corners of Sanada's lips jerked upward, almost resembling a smile.

_Almost._

Atobe wondered if his eyes were now malfunctioning.

"My captain is smart, elegant, and very aesthetic," Sanada began, "Caring and loving, but with a strong sense of justice that allows him to punish accordingly, willing to go to extreme lengths to make sure the unworthy are put in their place-"

Atobe made a quick memo to never get on this Yukimura's bad side.

"-He even had special rooms built for these punishing sessions he held regularly-"

Atobe wondered if that had anything to do with the screaming people he sometimes saw running away from the general direction of RikkaiDai.

"-Of course he is better than that Echizen-" Sanada was saying, as his speech made a sudden swerve into an Echizen rant.

"-SUCH AUDACITY!" Sanada finished, a vein practically bulging out of his forehead.

Atobe was very glad that the following Tarundoru was aimed at a nearby tree.

He did not want his booth (or his face) to be blasted into bits, thank you very much.

"What do you think?" Sanada asked to Atobe, who nearly cowered before realizing it was just a question.

"I mean," Atobe started slowly, carefully weighing his options so that he could preserve his tender life. As noted, Sanada practically worshipped Yukimura.

Falling back once more on his received fan girl gifts experiences, "I think chocolates would be nice? Maybe flowers? A kiss? An Atobe fan club banner?"

Atobe took great pride in those banners.

"No." Sanada responded firmly. "Something more intimate."

Atobe was flabbergasted. _Why, if nothing else, Atobe fan club banners are extremely intimate!_

Also, the wording of that response left something to be questioned.

How troublesome. "A walk in the forest? Or a hand knitted scarf?"

"I have already done those options."

"Look, if all else fails," Atobe said, sighing, "an Atobe fan club banner is the go-to. One hundred percent cotton, it comes with a rare edition of Ore-sama's posing beauty, and with ten different color choices," Atobe counted off his fingers.

"Red, purple, dark purple, light purple, lavender, dark lavender, light lavender, violet, light violet, and dark violet."

Sanada was intrigued. "Then, I shall take a light violet color."

"Only this once, it will be for free," Atobe warned, handing over a banner he had kept hanging inside his booth. "Be honored, peasant. I commend you for choosing such a rare and wonderful gift."

Sanada looked at the printed picture of Atobe in his bathing suit, who was holding a rose and smelling it. Trusting Atobe's advice, Sanada folded it neatly, and leaving happily.

* * *

"Hello."

A closed eyed Fuji whispered quietly from beside Atobe.

Atobe screamed a high, shrill sound of terror as he swung around wildly.

Fuji stood there, silently smiling.

"Atobe." Fuji spoke softly, smile widening.

Atobe gathered his wits and spoke with the dignity of a king.

"And you are?"

"Fuji." He didn't seem bothered at all by the imposing tone.

"Okay." Atobe finished rather awkwardly.

A few seconds of heart throbbing silence and then-

"I need some advice." Fuji responded.

Atobe checked all corners for escape exits just in case Fuji forced him to drink the famously deadly Inui Juice. Ore-sama was a vigilant being.

"...Alright."

"This issue has been bothering me for some time now..." Fuji looked truly saddened. "It has become increasingly hard to find things that make me happy..."

Atobe became extremely wary, eyes on one of the escape routes he had planned out.

"What sorts of things make you happy?" He asked cautiously.

"Oh, you know..." Fuji waved it off casually (_Literally waving _a bloodied knife), smiling ever so wider. "So will you help?"

Atobe sighed. He could feel his hair graying already.

(Despite what everyone says, his hair was _not _grey, it was a luscious silver color, _dammit!)_

"Could you be a little more specific?"

Atobe made sure to phrase the sentence as a question, not a command, so as to not end up with a large rip in his precious face, courtesy of Fuji and the rather bloody knife he was waving around oh-so-casually.

"How would you...per say...make someone scream in pain, while inflicting unnoticeable wounds upon them?"

"I have no experience in that sort of...activity."

No, Atobe would never admit he was slightly terrified in that moment. After all, Atobe Keigo just isn't supposed to _be _terrified.

"Then," Fuji continued, seeming even more encouraged at Atobe's response, "how to make someone scream."

Yes, Atobe had say he had experience in that.

"Well, you peasa-, Fuji," Atobe amended, "A quick snap of the fingers should do it."

"Oh?" Fuji was confused, was this some new torture technique he hadn't heard about?

"Yes, yes- smirk a little," Atobe instructed Fuji as he tried to follow the instructions Atobe was saying, "Raise your arm higher-no, higher-ah, and tilt your hips-snap-yes, yes!"

Fuji was astonished. Such simple moves could produce the glorified sound of wailing?

"Does this...technique...produce blood?"

Atobe pondered for a moment before responding, "It does about ninety percent of the time. The key word is-"

Fuji's irises widened a little in his eye sockets. His eyes were closed, anyways.

"-be awed at my prowess."

"That's it?"

"Add a little flip of the hair, if you wish to achieve maximum results."

"...like this?"

Atobe had to admit, this Fuji had quite the natural talent for it.

* * *

**OMAKE:**

**SEIGAKU**

"...Oishi."

"Y-yes, Tezuka-buchou?"

"How is Echizen?"

"He's doing fine! In both his grades and extracurricular-"

"...have you seen him today?"

"No, wh-T-Tezuka-buchou..."

"..."

"Is that Echizen?"

"..."

"W-why is he wearing such a..."

"...Atrocity."

"It's purple. I never thought Echizen-san would wear purple."

"...Or leave his chest exposed."

"Or do the tango while flipping his hair."

"..."

**RIKKAI**

"What is this, Genchiro?"

"An Atobe fan club banner."

"Would you care to explain?"

"It is one hundred percent cotton and comes with a rare edition of Atobe's posing beauty, and with ten different color choices, although I pi-"

"...yips."

**SEIGAKU AGAIN**

"...Fuji. What are you up to?"

"You're speaking a lot today Tezuka."

"...Don't avoid the question."

"You will see. We're supposed to be practicing, no?"

"I have been waiting for you to serve."

"I'm waiting for enough spectators."

"...Fu-"

_Snap_

"Be awed."

_*Hair flip*_

"At my prowess."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FUJI-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Oh my, what wonderful sights of blood."

"Fu-"

"I have to say; it works much better than the pencil stabbing method I used in class last week-"

"-FUJI-"

"- I must say, the blood that exits from the nose is surprisingl-"

"FUJI!"

"Hai, hai..."

* * *

**A/N:** I wonder if anyone will notice Karupin is actually a guy...

And Atobe's Advice Booth received visitors daily, as Atobe continued to spread his wisdom and knowledge across the lands...


End file.
